Raging Third Arm

A blind man stumbled into a restroom at a nightclub. His right hand clung greedily to his groin, knees knocking together; his left hand clutched the base of his sheathed sword. He padded around the threshold using the sword as a guide, and eventually found a countertop to his left (the sink), a metal box on the wall to his right (the hand drying machine), and an empty floor space ahead of him, wide enough for several men to crowd upon. He started into the room tapping more patterns on the floor. He angled his nose into the air as he did, causing the sunglasses on his face to catch the ceiling light. Read more

The Ghost in the Room

A time traveler arrives at his hotel room. His name is Mr. Valentine, and he’s wearing a long trench coat, a brimmed hat, and carrying a sturdy suitcase. Upon entering his room, he closes the door behind him and takes a brief look around at the amenities. To his immediate left is a bathroom, his right a closet, and ahead of him lies his bedroom, bed against the left wall and television along the right. Directly ahead of him is the entrance to a balcony that overlooks a nightlit city.

Mr. Valentine approaches his bed and finds Read more

Wrestling Johnson’s Dirty Ass Secret

Wrestling Johnson pulled up to the movie awards in a 2017 sports-class Bugatti. He wore a shimmering blue suit with a silk white button-down, and as usual he filled out corners of the suit that normal men wouldn’t even know existed. He walked through a storm of paparazzi wearing a million-dollar smile, his struts long and powerful, eyes twinkling down at the crowd. The golden timepiece on his wrist glimmered in the limelight. His polished brown shoes somehow clicked on the red carpet. Read more

Another Alien Invasion

My friend Karl isn’t from around here. He’s from a place where the air is clean and the people walk slowly and the stars are clearly visible at night. He’d decided to come to school here so he could be away from all that. Us being friends and all, I’d volunteered to be his tour guide-slash-confidant during his stay, intending to show him why that was a terrible idea. Read more

Shared Post: Winter’s Day by Benjamin Rajapaksa

A huge shout out to my friend Ben, who wrote this inspirational piece and gave me permission to share. You rule, man!


Sunrise

I

We will sit together
In the cold at daybreak,
As if we are not cold.
And in this warmth we share
Visions will be our breaths,
Illustrating our thoughts.

And we will imagine
That we each imagined
Us both sitting here now.
The way I remember,
Or the way you do not,
Does not matter to us Read more

African Lingo

The professor wrote a word on the board. Then he pointed at it with his meter stick.

“Repeat after me,” he said. “‘Hyper…bole. Hyper…bole.’ Repeat!”

The children piped up: “Hypa…bully. Hypa…bully.”

The professor spanked the black off their bottoms.

“I have no faith in these chiljen!” he told his assistant. “They are all going to fail!”

The assistant looked at him funny. “What did you just say, professor?”

“I say these chiljen are incompetent! They are all going to fail!”

“The children, you say?”

“Yes, yes, the chiljen!”

The assistant wrote a word on the board. Then she pointed at it with her meter stick.

“Repeat after me, professor: ‘chil…drrren. Chil…drrrrrrrrren.’ Repeat!”

The professor piped up: “Chil…jen. Chil…j-j-jen.”

The assistant spanked the black off his bottom.

The Gran Toliar and the General

Two men are talking, a monk and a general. The general needs to convince the monk to move from atop a mineral deposit the general needs access to; though the monk is harmless, he is protected by some kind of barrier, physical or figurative, so the general cannot remove him by force. The mineral represents a philosophical rift between the two men’s cultures. The general’s culture wants to use the mineral to return to Eden, a paradise that cast humans out, and the monk thinks mankind needs to invite the Keepers of Eden to return to them by changing their ways while in captivity. Their conversation is as follows…

The Gran Toliar and the General

The general stands before the monk, unable to cross the protective barrier the monk sits behind.

General: You claim you are against violence in all its forms, My Gran Toliar. You also define violence as any action that removes agency from another person against their will; a definition I happen to agree with. Is sitting here obstructing our path, then, not an act of violence?

The Gran Toliar: Is it violent for a mother bird to shield her eggs from the predator? Read more